


A Deer and Her Human

by mikaceous



Series: DaeVerse [1]
Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, Original Work
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Daemons, Antisemitism, Daemon Feels, Daemon Prejudice, Daemons, Gen, Homophobia, Identity Issues, Jewish Character, Judaism, Mental Health Issues, Misgendering, Nonbinary Character, Other, Same-Sex Daemons, Slurs, Swearing, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 00:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikaceous/pseuds/mikaceous
Summary: "What’s the word for deer?” Danny's deer daemon fixes them with an iron stare.Danny sighs. “Tzvi.”“And what is it an acronym for?”“Tzadik B'Emunoso Yichyeh.” The righteous lives by his faith.“Exactly. You chose your faith, and now you stick with it. When they push you, you push. The fuck. Back. Got it?”A short story exploring how mental health and identity crises intersect in a world where everyone has a daemon.





	1. Year 0

As if being the only visibly Jewish immigrant kid with a heavy accent and shaky grasp on English isn’t bad enough. So of course Magdirtzah has to go and settle as a deer.  


Deer are pretty enough, sure, and it’s always fun to see them on the side of the road. Eating shrubs or whatever. But when one is forced to follow you around all day, suddenly they become much less enjoyable. And if that isn’t the cherry on top of the cake already, she settled right when Danny was in the middle of moving to New Denmark. Plane tickets for oversize daemons cost a nightmare. Their mom never let them live that one down.  


And what the hell does having a deer daemon mean, anyways? Danny had scrounged around all of the usual sites and some of the less usual ones, trying to figure it out. Being in touch with your feminine side. Healing. Rebirth. Dumb shit like that.  


Danny’s been living in this town for almost four years now, but they still feel like the new kid. It’s not like their school is so small that no one else has transferred in. But they’re the only Jewish kid living in a town full of Christians and if that isn’t enough to make them feel like they have to fight constantly in order to prove their worth, then nothing is.  


But of course God decided that really, that wasn’t enough, so now Meg’s a damn deer and life is hell. They get released from class early, which makes their classmates resent them without giving them the added bonus of actually getting to any of their classes before everyone else gets out and crowds them and their deer.  


The first few months post-move were pretty miserable. They always sat alone in class, never had anyone to sit with at lunch. Their classmates liked them, because they knew what to say to make the class laugh and derail the teacher, and their teachers like them because their jokes put the class at ease. But they never really _belonged_. Oversize students were always given what Danny had once assumed was a polite berth, to give their daemon room and to avoid accidental touching. But now they can see that more often than not, it’s uncomfortably wide.  


Or maybe that’s just because nobody know what to say to a Jewish kid. Like Danny had nothing to say that isn't about their religion. So they sat alone in class and did homework during lunch to cover up the fact that they had no one to talk to.  


Until they met Theo.

 **WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2009**  
They knew who Theo was. He was in their year, and also had an oversize daemon, one even larger than Magdirtzah-- a huge chestnut draft horse. It’s nothing short of a miracle that he managed to fit inside the building at all.  


He sat next to Tumb one day in their only shared class. There was only so much space for oversize daemons in each classroom, so the school tried to separate them out where they could. That they had ended up in the same class at all had been a small mistake, made possible only because there was only one Spanish class for their level available.  


“Hey,” Theo said, sitting down next to Danny. “New kid.”  


Danny looked Theo up and down and smiled. “Hello?”  


“Did you do the homework? I could use a little help.” Theo smiled apologetically.  


Danny laughed. “Do you think I actually do good on the homework? This is my fourth language, that I’m learning in my second.”  


Theo’s smile didn’t move, but it grew more forced. “You have good grades, don’t you? Please, dude, I’m about to fail this class and I could really use the help.”  


“Honestly, the only reason I’m passing this class is because my mom bakes cookies that I give to Mrs. Cruz every week,” Danny said. “But if you want me to help you out, I’ll see what I can do.”  


“Thanks,” Theo’s real grin returned now. “Let’s switch contact info?”  


They handed each other their phones and entered each other’s phone numbers. Danny read out what Theo had put down as he hands it back. “Theo and… Fred?”  


“Yup. It’s a bit plain, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Theo patted his daemon on the side, who snorted his agreement.  


Danny shrugged. Goyim are as goyim do. “This is Magdirtzah.” They motioned to their deer, who was standing next to the desk and watching the whole thing unfold with attentive eyes. She gave the briefest of nods to Theo.  


“Magde- I’m sorry, what?” Theo said, brow scrunching as he tried to say her name.  


Danny looked at their daemon and tried not to sigh too audibly. “Meg,” they said. No one on this continent can say their daemon’s name, for some reason.  


Theo looked like he was about to say something else, but just then Mrs. Cruz walked into the room and shut the door, signaling the start of class. Danny listened to Mrs. Cruz drone on about something or other for what felt like forever. At some point they snuck out their math homework and started hashing that out. It was easy stuff anyways. Even only paying half attention to their work, they still whipped through the problems.  


They made sure to stay engaged in the class discussion, though. They weren’t lying when they told Theo about their mom’s cookies, but their grade mostly hinged on participation. They couldn’t help but notice that Theo stared at the clock the entire period. No wonder he was doing so poorly.  


It was their last class of the day, so after it ended Danny and Theodore headed to the library. Danny tried, with little success, to walk Theo through his homework. They had been learning English for years now, like most people in Levant. But attempting to explain something in a language they didn’t have a firm grasp in on concepts that they’ve never explained in English before is harder than it seemed. Theo ended up more confused than when they had started.  


But Theo still sat next to him the next day in class, and then they went to the library and tried again. That pattern lasted for days, then weeks, then months, and at some point they dropped the pretense of studying and started honest to goodness hanging out.  


And then, hey, before you know it, it looked like Danny had made a friend after all. 

**WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13, 2012**  
“Hey. Have you heard back from any of your schools yet?” Theo asks from his spot on top of the floor, lying on his back and plucking bits of dirt out of Fred’s tail, who’s lying next to him with his tail in his lap.  


“Just one,” said Danny. They adjust their guitar in their lap and strum it idly. They looked at Theo, who flashed the ‘okay’ sign without looking to let them know they hit the right chord. “That big state school. They offered me a pretty good scholarship and they have pretty decent accomodations for oversize daemons. I’ll probably end up going unless I get something better.”  


“Nice. Do they have a good ordinator engineering program?”  


“It’s okay.”  


“Cool.” Theo plucked at Fred’s tail. “I got a really good scholarship to that fancy liberal arts college in town.”  


Danny put down the guitar. “No way.”  


Theo props himself up on his elbows to smirk at Danny. “Yes way.”  


“You have to go! That’s awesome!”  


Theo shrugs. “Yeah, I’m pretty pleased. It’s not my first choice, but hey, at least we’ll be close by, right? We can still hang out.”  


Danny grins. “Definitely!” Then they scowl and shove at Magdirtzah, who was lying down next to him, reading the music chords he was trying to copy. “Stop it.”  


“Who, me? I didn’t say anything,” coos Magdirtzah, batting her eyelashes.  


“You thought it and we both know it,” Danny pushes her again.  


“Ooh, lover boy,” said Magdirtzah in a singsong voice.  


Danny groans and buries their face in their hands, while Meg pops to her feet and dances around them, laughing. It’s no secret that they used to have feelings for Theo, and in fact they even confessed their feelings and the two of them went out on a few dates. Theo broke things off rather quickly, and while Danny was sour about it for a while they eventually got over it. But that doesn’t mean they like being teased about it.  


“Meg, knock it off,” says Theo, rather nonchalantly.  


“Yeah, Meg. Unless you want me to bring up how hot you think Fred’s butt is again,” chirps Danny.  


Meg stops in her tracks. “You wouldn’t dare.”  


“I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.”  


“Please don’t,” says Fred.  


“I even wrote a song about it!” says Danny. They strum their guitar, making a rather off-tune twang. “Oooh, Fred’s got a really nice ass, it makes Meg want to--”  


“Please don’t,” Meg, Theo and Fred all say in unison.  


Danny laughs and sets their guitar aside. “Fine, you win.” They hold their arms out and embrace Meg, noogying her neck fur affectionately. “Good deer.”  


“Good boy,” she says, nuzzling them back.  


The four of them wind down again after that, and Danny returns to struggling to hit the right notes on the guitar. It’s a hard task, especially when they’re tune deaf and can’t make out the difference between a right chord and a wrong chord by themselves. Thankfully Theo is always ready to lend a helping hand, and if he’s distracted, then Fred can fill in in a pinch.  


They’re not sure when they got to the point in their relationship where they all got comfortable addressing each other, whether it was human talking to daemon or daemon talking to human. It isn’t technically allowed except in dire circumstances, but it feels right so they keep doing it anyways.  


Danny and Meg hang around in Theo’s room until dinner time, when the four of them ease down the stairs single file (have you ever seen a deer or a horse try to climb down stairs? There’s a reason most oversize people live in an apartment with an elevator or a one-floor flat) and into the kitchen. There isn’t enough room in the kitchen for all of them plus Theo’s parents and their daemons, and since Danny has the longer range out of the two of them, Meg is exiled to the dining room hallway while they eat.  


“I’m really sorry about this,” says Theo’s father, his own Jerboa daemon perched on his shoulder and neatly out of the way.  


“You say that every time,” says Theo.  


“It’s fine,” says Danny. “It’s not like she fits into my kitchen anyways. We’re used to it.”  


They can feel Meg sniff through their bond, but she doesn’t say anything.  


After dinner, Theo walks Danny to the bus stop. It’s still brisk outside; even with Spring warming up the days and melting the snow away, the air was still bitingly crisp at night. Danny hugs themself and shivers.  


Theo, wearing a thick leather jacket, looks sweltering in comparison. “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home?”  


“You need to get a headstart on homework. Once you drive me home, then you’ll come inside, and then you’ll never get anything done.”  


Theo laughs. “And you’ll do no more work than me and still never get anything but A’s. That’s how it should be. But you’re probably right. I’ll leave you to it. Goodnight, Danno.” Theo claps his hand against Danny’s shoulder and grins before head back towards the house.  


Danny watches him go, until he’s back inside his house and his door clicks shut.  


“You need to let him go, Neshama,” says Meg from their side.  


Danny frowns at her. “Don’t.”  


Meg pins her ears back and side-eyes him, a surprisingly human expression for an animal. “Neshema.”  


“I said. Don’t.” Danny readjusts their backpack strap and refuses to look at Magdirtzah until their bus comes. They hop on and flash the driver their bus card before moving their way to the back, where they have widely spaced seats for oversized daemons.  


Technically, there’s a door in the back they’re supposed to use, but she can suck it in and when it’s quiet like this it’s honestly faster to use the wrong door than to make the bus driver activate the wheelchair-slash-oversize ramp.  


(Those with extra large oversize daemons had to order a special bus service to come taxi them around. Usually, it’s easier to walk, or use a truck specially adapted to hold the weight of a one-ton animal, which is what Theo does.)  


They ride back home in silence.  


The house is still dark when they finally arrive back home. That’s no surprise. More often than not, their mom works sixty plus hours a week. It’s not unusual for her to get home at midnight or later.  


Danny unlocks the front door and lets themselves in. They wander through the kitchen, relying mostly on Meg’s night vision to navigate. The kitchen was more than large enough to comfortably accommodate her. Their mom makes more than enough money for the two of them to live comfortably, even without support from their dad overseas. It was one of those dirty secrets that they had no real reason to hide, but kept under the rug at all times anyways. It was just one more thing that made them stand out more than they had to. The casually, mean-spirited jokes about how Jews owned all of the banks were bad enough as is.  


They don’t turn on the lights until they make it all the way upstairs to their room. Their sister’s lights are on, and they knock on her door. When there’s no response, they open the door to see Beathag fast asleep on her bed curled around her daemon, currently in the shape of a lop-eared rabbit, her laptop yapping away at some Levanti sitcom. Danny smiles. “ _Lilah tov_ , Beathag.” They turn off the light and continue down the hallway to their own room.  


They touch the mezuzah they had installed onto their door frame and press their fingers to their lips, murmuring a quick prayer under their breath. Meg pushes past them, flicking on the lights with her nose, and jumps onto the bed, making herself comfortable.  


Danny squints at the sudden brightness. “You have your own bed,” they grumble, dropping their backpack on the floor and opening it up to root around inside. 

“You’re making the sheets dirty.”  


“My bed’s occupied,” sniffs Meg.  


Danny pulls out their lunchbox and unzips it, and at the sound, true to Meg’s word, a furry black-and-white head pops up out of a large, deer-sized doggie bed at the foot of Danny’s bed. The cat makes a scratchy meow and scurries over to Danny as fast as his fat legs will carry him.  


“Hey there, sweetie,” Danny coos, running a hand over the cat’s back and grinning as he arches up into their touch. “Are you hungry? I have some treats for you. Leftovers from my dinner.”  


They open up a tupperware container stuffed full of napkins. They take out the napkins and unfold them to reveal a pile of pulled pork. Theo’s parents mean well, but they have a bad habit of making food Danny can’t eat. Danny pockets it instead of complaining, because it comes in handy in situations like this.  


“There you go, _bissell_. Just for you. Aren’t you lucky?” Danny continues to stroke the cat while he eats, cooing and switching between English and Hebrew, calling him endearing pet names in both languages.  


“You really need to work on your English more. You should stop code switching so much,” says Meg, sprawled out comfortably on the bed.  
Danny stands up and wipes their hands free of cat hair onto their pants. They start to undress and get ready for bed. Most of their clothes they throw onto the floor and kick under the bed, but they make sure to treat their tzitzit with respect, folding it over the back of their chair and placing their kippah on the desk nearby. “I’m tired. Remind me tomorrow, okay?” they say in Hebrew, scowling.  


“Whatever you say, Neshama,” says Meg, also in Hebrew, though there isn’t any bite to her words.  


After a few minutes, Danny, now wearing pajamas and teeth brushed, joins Meg in the bed. They snuggle up together so Meg can watch movies with Danny.  


“Your breath smells bad,” complains Danny, clicking on the newest episode of Doctor Who.  


“So does yours, fartbreath,” bites back Meg.  


Danny snorts. “ _Du farkirtst mir di yorn_.”  


Meg smirks. “Not unless you’re the death of me first.”  


Then they both have to readjust themselves so that the cat can fit on Danny’s lap but they can both still see, and by the time they’re done moving around the episode had finished buffering and starts to play.  


Both of their attentions fixated on the scene unfolding in front of them on Danny’s tiny laptop screen, their banter was forgotten, and they stayed up long into the night, until they fell asleep and shared dreams about traveling away to a new world, where every day was an adventure and no one cared about your accent or the way you dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first shared this on a forum I'm on one year ago today, and since I still like it I thought I would post it here, to make it more publically available. 
> 
> Some vocab notes:  
> New Denmark: The geographical region in Lyra's world that makes up the Eastern half of the United States (the other countries being Texas and Hispana Nova)  
> Goyim: Literally people of the nations, but usually refers to non-Jewish people  
> Levant: the geographical area that corresponds to Israel/Jordan/some of the surrounding area in Lyra's world  
> Ordinator: HDM-verse equivalent of computers  
> Neshama: breath/spirit, colloquially used to mean darling  
> Lilah tov: Good night  
> Bissell: Yiddish, a little bit; used here as an affectionate nickname  
> Tzitzit and kippah (or yarmulke): religious garments worn by Jewish people, mostly men  
> Du farkirtst mir di yorn: Yiddish, You'll be the death of me


	2. Year 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please be advised that this chapter includes violence with a healthy side of antisemitism and homophobia. Also, this chapter has (uncensored) slurs. Proceed with caution.

**SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2012  
** The weather was still warm enough that even Danny was fine walking to their new job. They had always run cold, even when they still lived in Levant. Their family always thought they were acting dramatic for attention.

Turns out they have hyperthyroidism. 

So they put on a sweater even though it’s warm enough that they could probably go without and start the trek over to work. Meg follows at their side, stepping over and around puddles from last night’s rain as easily as Danny breathes. 

They’d started college last week. Classes started on Monday, but they had already made a new friend in one of their neighbors. They lived in a single in a suite with 5 other oversizers, and everyone seemed to get along well enough. Theo lived just a few blocks away, within easy access. For once, things seemed to be looking up.

The only thing they need now is a source of income. College isn’t going to pay for itself.

They stop in front of a small, easy to miss cafe, indistinguishable from the buildings on either side except for the dingy sign that hangs from the front door, reading “Cafe Cafe”, and in smaller letters underneath,”בית קפה קפה”. 

“Seems like the right place.” 

“It better be. If  _ Dohda  _ Tali had to compete with another Levanti coffee bar, I think she’d be out of business.”

Danny grunts their agreement, then pushes open the door. 

Despite its shoddy outward appearance, on the inside the coffee shop is warm and inviting. There are a few patrons scattered around, most hunched over their books or laptops as they hack away at whatever work has to be done. Soft acoustic covers of the top forty hits drifts down from the overhead speakers. 

One of the patrons was in a heated discussion with a woman standing next to his table, who was wearing an apron covered with messy smudged handprints. She has long graying hair kept up in a bun, a warm green turtleneck that she always wears no matter how hot it gets, and a nose twisted out of shape from playing ball too hard with Danny’s father when they were in college together. Her tabby cat daemon sat at her feet, tail curled around his paws and standing at attention, ever the proper model for a good cafe owner: alert, responsible, and engaged. 

She turns around when she hears the door jingles and grins when she sees Danny. “Danny! How good to see you! That’s my favorite little nephew. You know, the last time I saw you, you were only this big.” She strides up to them and throws her arms around Danny in a big hug, squeezing him tight. 

Danny returns the hug, though less enthusiastically. “Hey,  _ Dodha  _ Tali.” Meg reaches down to touch noses with Tali’s cat daemon, who nuzzles her face in return. When Danny pulls apart, they shuffle their feet. “Um. Thanks for offering me a job here. I appreciate it, you know?”

“Psshaw. Anything for my nephew,” says Tali, ruffling Danny’s hair. “Come, let me introduce you to the staff. Finn will be your mentor for the next week or so, until you learn the ropes.”

Danny knows they have no right to be mad at Tali after so generously offering them a job, but her penchant for incredibly gendered nicknames did become grating. Especially when they weren’t even technically related. Tali and her twin brother Tal had been college roommates with their father. They had kept in touch even after their dad had moved back to Levant. These days their mom preferred to pretend most of her ex-husband’s family doesn’t exist; Danny’s only managed to visit Tali once before in the several years they’ve lived in the states.

Taking in this little shop, with its soothing dim lights and calm atmosphere, Danny can’t remember why they haven’t come to visit more often on their own. This wasn’t so far away that they couldn’t take a bus here from their house for a day trip every now and then. 

“Where’s that pesky employee of mine? Finn? Finn!” 

She bangs on the door that leads back to the kitchen area out back, and a broad, well-toned man steps out of the room. He dusts off his barista apron with one hand and runs his tongue over his teeth, like he has something stuck in his mouth he can’t get out. When he looks Danny up and down, his upturned nose makes it look like he’s constantly sneering, but his face is rosy and when he smiles he makes Danny feel warm inside. They smile back, finding themselves relaxing, despite themselves. 

“Hey there, stranger,” says Finn. They hold out their hand for Danny to shake. “Name’s Finn. It’s a pleasure to have y’all here with us today.”

Meg doesn’t relax. She stiffens at their side. They can’t understand why, until Finn’s daemon steps out from behind him and they see what her keen deer instincts had already noticed. His daemon is a sleek-furred, golden pitbull, with a roman nose and darker spots peppering her back and legs. 

They put their hand on Meg’s back for support. 

“She looks the same,” Meg whispers, voice hoarse. 

Finn looks from Meg to Danny to Tali. “I’m sorry, am I missing something?”

“I can’t do this.” Danny turns to Tali, eyes wide, but she looks just as surprised as Finn. “His daemon looks just like the dog that put Meg and me in the hospital.” They grab Meg, and she presses into them, both of them seeking the support.

“Are you kidding me? Danny, that was years ago.” Tali crosses her arms. “You should be over this by now.”

Oh, yeah. This was why they didn’t visit more often. As much as Tali loves her ‘nephew’, she’ll always love her job more. Her business’s wellbeing came before anything else. Even family. 

“I won’t get ‘over’ anything as long as I still have the scars as reminders. And those scars run very deep.” Danny takes a deep breath. “Please,  _ Dohda  _ Tali, is there some other shift I could work? It’s nothing against Finn, I’m sure he’s great. But it’ll be…” detrimental. Horrid. A nightmare coming into work every day. “...Distracting.”

“Well,” Tali looks at Finn and seems to consider. “I could put you on the shift with Carleigh instead, but that’s exactly when you have classes.” She smiles at Danny. “You’ll be fine though, won’t you? This will good practice! It’ll help you get over it.”

Yeah, right. “Okay.” 

Tali grins and kisses Danny on the cheek. Her daemon rubs up against Meg’s legs, before the two of them disappear behind the door that leads to her apartment-slash-office upstairs to catch up on some much needed office work. 

Finn looks Danny up and down. “So.”

“So.” Danny looks Finn up and down right back. They’re not sure what they’re looking for, or what Finn is seeing on them. They shuffle their feet and reach for Meg with one hand, rubbing their thumb up and down her ear. 

“I can make this work. You’re lucky you got assigned to me. Give me a few days of your time and I’ll make you the best of the best. I’ll teach you skills that you’ll find invaluable when you’re searching for a job in your field after school.” He grins, and his dog daemon wags her tail. Danny relaxes, and they can feel Meg start to let her guard down again, too. He didn’t seem so bad. Maybe he would help them out, and maybe they could get over their trauma after all, with a little bit of practice. 

Finn walks in a circle around Danny and Meg. “Lesson number one is that you have to look presentable. That means wearing the right clothes for the job. Here, that means wearing a white shirt, dark pants, and an apron. We have the aprons. Do you have the other stuff?”

“Sure,” says Danny. 

“Great. What you have on is fine for today, but bring it for next time. Oh, and get rid of that silly hat thing. Wearing hats inside is disrespectful and our customers won’t like it.”

Danny puts their hand over their kippah. “It’s a religious garment.”

Finn stops walking and crosses his arms. “Yes, and?”

Danny frowns. “So you can’t make me take it off.”

Finn sighs. “Fine, whatever. Get rid of the nail polish though. It’s girlish and it clashes with your hat and makes you look gay. And stop fidgeting so much, will you? You have to look charismatic and friendly, like so. Otherwise the customers won’t want to order, which means we lose money. That’s bad for business, and that’s bad for  _ you _ .”

Danny grits their teeth and jerks their hand away from Meg, bunching their hands into fists. “Why’s it so bad for me and not you?”

Finn raises an eyebrow. “Look, I know you’re family and all, but you hardly even know her, and I’m Tali’s best employee If she had to get rid of one of us, which one of us do you think she’d chose?” He brushes his hand in a dismissive gesture, and his dog daemon curls her lip in a silent sneer. Then seems to remember himself and grins that rosy smile again. “But let’s not be so doom and gloom, shall we? Come on, I’ll show you how to work the machines. But be careful not to let your gay nail polish chip on anything, alright? I’d hate to see that happen. It’d look awful, and it’s a pain to deep clean the machinery.”

Danny and Meg share a look. Meg nods. She understands; be watchful and be wary. Don’t let your guard down. The enemy is everywhere, even in a bright-eyed, rose-faced coworker. Be strong, and suck it up. 

 

**WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2012  
** “Rough day at the office?” Alice asks as Danny staggers into their communal common space, clothing rumbled, hair frayed. Magdirtzah’s head sags, and she collapses in a heap next to Alyss’s pony daemon. 

“Long day at work,” mutters Danny, sinking into one of the poofy chairs across from Alyss and practically disappearing inside of it. 

Alice looks up from his textbook, frowning. His long shaggy hair is even more mussed up than usual, suggesting that he’s probably been teasing it for the last few hours. That’s a nervous tick. He’s studying hard for tomorrow’s test, then. Alice’s equally rough-and-tumble Jesserant nickers hello as they walk in. She nuzzles the top of Meg’s head and nibbles on one ear affectionately.

Danny always loses their train of thought when they see Jesserant. She doesn’t look anything like Fred -- she’s half his size and she’s not even a chestnut, she’s white -- but the irony of it still stands. What’s the likelihood that both of their closest friends would have horse daemons? 

But they don’t have time to mull over that now. Danny groans and fishes their phone out of their pants pocket and turns on the screen with one hand, rubbing the other up and down the front of their leg. “Shit, it’s too late to take a break. I gotta do my homework.”

“Slow down,” asys Alice. Jesserant presses a hoof down on Meg, not constricting her but compelling her to stay where she is. “You look like crap. I thought this was supposed to be a small job? On the side?”

“It was,” agrees Danny. “But it’s a bigger hassle than I had anticipated. I’ll be fine though. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just… cope. It’s a learning curve.”

Alice frowns. “You’re not wearing your kippah.”

Danny’s hand flies to the back of their head. They scowl. “Shit.” They dig around in their backpack and pull it out, using a bobby pin to pin it back in place. They sighed, and flopped back into the couch again. “It’s fine. I took it off at work.”

“That’s religious discrimination and that’s illegal.” Alice stands up and balls his hands into fists. “Do you want me to give them a talking to? Jesserant and I’ll smack some sense into them.” Jesserant snorts her agreement. 

“What? No, no, there’s no need. Danny waves for him to stand down, but Alice grabs their hand mid-motion.

“You’re not wearing your nail polish.”

“I forgot. I’ll put on more later.”

“You were wearing nail polish when you left for work this afternoon.”

Danny pulls their hand free. “It’s  _ fine _ , Alice. Stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

Alice’s eyes narrowed. “Did they make you take it off in the middle of your shift? And your hairclips, don’t think I didn’t notice that too. Those jerks don’t know what they’ve got going for them, I’m gonna--”

“Alice.” Danny stands up and puts a hand on their friend’s shoulder. “It’s fine. Let it go. C’mon Meg. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep. Goodnight, ‘Liss.” They pick up their bag and sling it over their shoulder. 

Alice smolders, but steps back and lets Danny go. He doesn’t say anything, and his horse daemon removes her foot and doesn’t protest when Meg gets to her feet and follows Danny to the door.

Danny doesn’t look back until they’re in the room with the door locked behind them. They collapse face first onto their bed. Meg groans and leans against the door for a moment, catching her breath, surprisingly worn out after such a short trip. 

Danny props themselves up on their elbows and watches Meg, brow creased. “Do you think he noticed?”

Meg snorts. “I can act, too.” She hobbles over to her bed, her back leg dipping with every step, no longer holding back the limp she had been hiding until now. 

Danny, feeling the pain of her bruise through their shared link, winces in sympathy. “Do you think he did it on purpose?”

“Undoubtedly.”

“I should bring it up with  _ Dohda  _ Tali, I know she’s just as homophobic as the rest of them but if she knew what was going on he’d still probably-”

“Don’t.” Meg’s voice is bitter and sharp. 

Danny frowns. “Why?”

“Just because he did it on purpose doesn’t mean it’s his fault.” Meg readjusts her position so her bruised hip is taking less stress, and she noses it softly before wincing and stopping. “We were asking for it.”

“Meg?”

“You know how these people are, Neshama. What do you expect, when we come in looking as we do?” She sighs. “I already make you look dangerously feminine. The hairclips, the nail polish, the kippah, it paints a dangerous image.”

Danny flops back onto their back and groans. “This is all my fault.”

“Yes.” 

“Then I guess I’ll put my stuff away. I shouldn’t wear it anymore. Not when it gets us hurt.”

“No.”

Danny props themselves up on their elbows to look at their daemon.“No?” 

“It’s your fault. But you chose to be this way, and now you have to stick with it. Remember, Neshema. What’s the word for deer?” Meg fixes Danny with an iron stare.

Danny sighs. “ _ Tzvi _ .”

“And what is it an acronym for?”

“ _ Tzadik B'Emunoso Yichyeh _ .” The righteous lives by his faith. 

“Exactly. You chose your faith, and now you stick with it. When they push you, you push. The fuck. Back. Got it?”

Danny swallows, but doesn’t respond.

“You know my advice is good. When have I ever steered you wrong?”

“Never.”

“Then you got it?”

“I’ve got it, Meg.”

“Good. Now go to sleep. You’ll need your strength for tomorrow.”

**FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 2013**

Despite their reservations about working at the cafe, things aren’t all that bad. Sure, Finn occasionally throws the less-than-polite comment at them, and there was that one time that his pitbull daemon may or may not have tripped up Meg, but it’s not like they’re not used to that sort of thing. Antisemitic and homophobic sentiments are nothing new. 

Plus, Danny’s making bank. Their gig has them working way more hours than their classmates who only got jobs through their school’s work study program, plus they get paid more per hour. Sometimes the extra hours are hard to manage, but they make it work. They’ve gotten skilled at sneaking in homework whenever there’s a lull. 

For such a small, nondescript coffee bar, every college student in the city seems to have it on their maps. Danny only works in the evenings, after class gets out, but they’ve been around during lunch hour and breakfast. They know how crazy this place gets. Not that it’s much better for their shifts. It’s not long before Danny spends the entire shift running back and forth between making orders and bringing them out to customers. 

They can handle it. After more than a semester working at the cafe, they’ve gotten into the flow of how things should work. They’ve gotten better at being friendly without being too slow, efficient while still achieving that high quality coffee everyone comes for.

“Nice going,” Finn nods at Danny during one of their rare lulls in the crowd. It’s Friday afternoon, which means less people are doing homework at their local coffee shop and more are heading out to parties. “That was some expert speedrun espresso making you did back there. Maybe one day you’ll be almost as good as me.”

“Thanks.” Danny nods, and glares at Meg, who frowns before also nodding at Finn’s pitbull daemon, albeit grudgingly. 

They start to reach for their backpack at the door, hoping to get in some studying while they can, but the door jingles and in walks another customer. It’s one of their regulars, Nadiya, not a student but a long time patron. Danny thinks that she may or may not have a thing for one of the employees, but they have no clue who. She’s closest in age to Tali, but hanging out in the coffee shop to catch the eye of a woman who almost never comes down from her office has to be one of the worst flirting techniques they’ve ever heard of. 

“Hey, why don’t you ring Nadiya up, and I’ll go make her drink, okay?” Finn jumps up from his resting pose against the counter and starts to get to work before she’s even approached the cashier.

Danny sidles up to meet her and Meg nods a greeting at her finch daemon perched on her shoulder. “Hey, Nadiya. Finn’s got the regular coming right up. He’ll be right with you.”

“Thanks, Danny,” Nadiya starts to rummage around in her bag for her wallet. Danny’s just finishing ringing her up when they hear Finn approaching from behind. 

“Hey Nadiya, one hot chocolate cappuccino coming right- shit!” 

Time slows. Danny turns in time to see Finn slip, lose their balance, and come toppling down. Right on top of Meg. He knocks her over and falls on top of her in a heap. 

The all-too-familiar jolt of someone touching their daemon rattles through Danny like a bullet. They’re used to it, yes, but fuck it still  _ hurts _ . Their ears ring and blood rushes through their head and between that and the commotion Nadiya’s making with all of her yelling they can’t think straight. 

They grab the edge of the counter with one hand and their chest with the other, gasping for air until they feel lightheaded and dizzy. Meg scrambles for purchase on the floor until Finn rolls off of her and she growls, jumping to her hooves and baring her teeth at his pitbull daemon. The two have a standoff, not breaking eye contact for a millisecond. 

“Meg, break it off,” Danny mumbles. 

If she hears them, she doesn’t show it. When daemons contest, it comes down to which one is more intimidating. Meg may not have antlers or fangs, but she’s big for a deer and what she lacks in weaponry she gains with a devastating I-will-murder-you stare. 

Danny has to reach in and pull her away before she tries to rip Finn’s daemon in two. “Knock it off, Meg,” they grunt, pulling her to their chest. It makes the echoes of the shock of being  _ touched  _ quiet down. They take a deep breath.

Meg trembles underneath their hands. “He did it on purpose!” she snarls. “He touched me! On purpose!” 

“What? Meg, no.” Danny tries to pull her close, but she yanks herself free and stands down Finn, who’s picked himself up and saying something to Nadiya across the counter.

“You fucking bastard! You did that on purpose!” At Meg’s words, a hush falls upon the crowd. Danny realizes how much quieter it is now and looks over the edge of the bar to see that everyone in the cafe had crowded around to see what was going on. They had all been talking at once, but they had quieted down as soon as Meg spoke, and everyone turns towards Finn. Waiting to see his response.

Finn sneered. “As if! Danny, your deer tripped  _ me _ ! She got in my way.”

“I’m going to kill you,” seethes Meg. Danny tries to speak, but she stamps her foot down, silencing them. “No. You did that on purpose. I won’t let that slide. Explain yourself.”

“You’re lying,” says Finn. He turns to the crowd. “She’s lying. She’s trying to cover herself up so she doesn’t look bad.”

“It did look kind of like you walked right over her,” admits Nadiya.

“Oh yeah? Then why isn’t Danny speaking for himself, huh? Unless he knows that if he tries to fend for himself, we’ll all be able to see through his lies.” Finn jabs a finger at Danny. “Zip it, deer. I want to hear what  _ he _ has to say.”

Danny swallows and presses themselves back, shrinking down. They wince as everyone turns as a group to face them. They can feel those judging eyes, pressing down on them. “Was just trying to get Nadiya her coffee,” they mumble, fidgeting and pulling the edges of their sleeves as far down as they go. 

“Like you can’t do one thing while you ask your daemon to do another,” scoffs Finn. “Just wait till Tali hears, she’s going to--”

“Going to what?” The cafe patrons murmur and pull away, and Tali pushes her way to the front of the crowd. She looks over the counter and eyes the two of them, taking in the scene. “Care to explain?”

“He touched Meg--” blurts Danny at the same time that Finn hisses, “That stupid deer tripped me!” Tali waves her hand to silence them before they can get going again. 

“Finn, take the rest of the day off. That’s your compensation for falling. Danny, put on a clean shirt. You good to finish the rest of your shift?”

Danny looks down and realizes that when Finn tripped, he had dumped the entire contents of the cup in his hand onto Danny. They touched their stomach and winced at their raw skin. Yep, that had definitely burned through. They nod though. “I’ve got a sweater in the back.”

“Great. Go put it on. I’ll handle things out here. Take five to decompress if you need it.”

She nods, dismissing them. Danny and Finn slink back to the storage room, tails tucked between their legs. Finn shoots daggers at Danny as they stalk out the back door without another word. 

They change out of their soiled work shirt into their “חי anxiety” sweater. They had pointed it out to Alice once, though they had gotten frustrated when they realized that the joke isn’t half as funny when you have to explain it. Alice had gotten it for them as an early holiday gift anyways. That was sweet of them, at least. And it comes in handy at times like these, so it’s not like they can complain.

They try to touch base with Meg but she’s not looking at them and won’t respond to their questions. She hangs her head low and trembles. Danny puts a hand on her back and leads her back out to the store area. 

Tali sets them to work, and they work around each other for the rest of the shift, not speaking except to pass along orders. At closing time, Danny grabs their backpack and passes through the gate that separates the work area from the cafe, towards the door. 

“Hey Danny,” says Tali.

Danny turns back to look at her.

“You’ll be okay, right?”

Danny nods. Megs presses herself close, and they exit the store. It’s quiet outside, and there isn’t even a wind. Still, it’s chilly, and Danny hugs themselves, ducks their head and starts to shuffle in the direction home. 

“You wore  _ that _ pansy shirt for your shift, huh?”

Meg growls. Danny freezes. They grab Meg for support, holding onto her neck as they both turn around. Finn stands across the sidewalk, legs spread in a wide stance and arms crossed. His pitbull daemon stands between his legs, hackles raised and teeth bared. 

“Finn,” says Danny. Isn’t he supposed to be at the doctor’s? They feel Meg register their question with an ear twitch. Guess not. 

“You embarrass me in front of  _ my  _ patrons and my boss, and you have the gall to wear  _ that _ gay piece of crap in my establishment?”

“It’s not your establishment,” mutters Danny, taking a step back at the same time Meg takes a step forward. 

“It as good as was, until you came around and robbed it out from underneath me,” snarls Finn. “Fucking kike, stealing every business opportunity that comes under your big fat kike nose.” He closes the distance between them, his face dangerously dark and stormy. 

“Watch it,” hisses Meg, stepping in front of Danny and staring down not his daemon but Finn himself.

“Careful,” says Finn, leaning in close. “We’d hate to have a repeat of this morning’s…. Incident.” 

“You bastard,” Danny hisses. 

Finn’s daemon growls, and her teeth glint in the dark light of the street. 

“But listen, no one said I wasn’t willing to give second chances. I’ll let you apologize, and I’ll let this whole fiasco slide.”

Danny doesn’t need to look at Meg to know how they should answer that one. “Fuck off, Finn. I’m not going to apologize when I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Finn’s face gets even darker. Danny didn’t think that was possible. “So be it. I guess I’ll have to teach you a lesson, so you learn not to stick your fat Jewish nose where it doesn’t belong.”

He slams Danny up against the wall and kicks him in the shin until their leg gives out and they collapse to the floor in a heap. Finn wails on them, kicking them and punching them without reservation. “This is what gay-ass kikes like you deserve,” he hisses. 

Meg tries to rush to their add, to shield them, but Finn’s pitbull daemon descends on her, tackling her and pinning her against the ground. She struggles and kicks out, but the pitbull daemon has a height advantage, and sharp teeth and a body rippling with muscle.

Finn stomps down on Danny’s wrist. They feel a sharp crack and scream as a searing pain shoots up their arm. Meg cries out, and Danny catches one last glimpse of her, struggling, pitbull daemon up to her gums in Meg’s shoulders.

And then they black out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vocab notes:  
> Dohda: Aunt


	3. Year 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please be advised that this chapter includes self hate, bad mental health, and destructive thoughts, and one scene includes familial emotional manipulation. Proceed with caution.

**THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2013  
** “Great doing, Danny! You’re doing great. Once you finish those, just flag one of us down and we’ll get you your ice compresses, okay?”

Danny mumbles their agreement and the all-too-perky-for-this-time-of-morning PT flounces away. Danny sighs, then continues their hand stretches, hating themselves for struggling so hard at something as simple as making a fist and squeezing.

Meg isn’t doing much better for her part. Her shoulder wound cleaned up nicely, but she still sometimes walked with a limp. Technically, daemons were more Dust than bones and sinew, and her body would eventually return to normal regardless of whether or not she did physical therapy. Whether or not therapy actually helped daemons heal faster was still a bit of a contested subject.

Still, Danny was here anyways, so it’s not like it hurt to get her doing a stretch or two. Her heating compresses made the ache go away, which put both of them in a better mood. 

Danny grunted, gave up on their stretches, and leaned back in their chair, waving down one of the PTs-in-training that they were ready for their ice pack. Meg stopped her stretches too, sighing and resting her chin on the back of Danny’s chair. 

“I hate this.”

“Me, too.” Danny opens and closes their hand a few times experimentally. They were getting stronger, they supposed. But It would take forever until they were back to where they had started before their wrist had been smashed into pieces. 

“If you had been stronger, this wouldn’t have happened,” Meg murmurs, quietly enough that only they can hear. 

“I know, Meg.” This isn’t the first time she’s said it. She’s not wrong. Danny’s gone over that night hundreds of times since then and come up with a dozen different ways it could have gone differently. They could have diffused the situation. They could have fought back. They could have done  _ something _ . But instead they had just taken it without a single complaint.

The PT comes back, and wraps the ice pack around Danny’s hand so that their wrist is now an ice cube and draps a hot water bottle over Magdirtzah’s shoulder, careful not to touch her. Danny uses their free hand to readjust it. 

They have ten minutes before they can go. They flip open their phone to see they have a text from Theo. [Hey Danno. What’s up?]

[not much] They text back. They struggle a bit, texting with only one hand, but they make it work. [at PT. u?]

[In class. You free tonight? One of my friends is hosting a party. It’s supposed to be a banger.]

Danny looks at Meg and sighs. [wish i cud but im going out to lunch with my mom soon. ill need to spend tonight studying. its not even the weekend why hav a party now?]

Theo sends back a complex emoticon that could possibly be interpreted as a shrug. [Laaaaame. Good luck at lunch. I’ll see you around]

By then, one of the PTs comes by to take off their compresses and chase them out. Danny sits on the sidewalk and tries to use Meg as a wind barrier, shivering and hugging themself. 

“You need to start wearing more layers,” says Meg.

“ _ Shtook _ ,” snaps Danny, though it doesn’t have the same bite when their teeth are chattering so hard.

Meg perks her ears up, listening to something Danny can’t hear. “Shush. Here’s mom.” 

Sure enough, the minivan pulls into the parking lot, as shiny and brand-new as always. It’s an absolute monster of a car to drive around a city with streets as narrow as they are, but it’s the only car big enough that Meg can reasonably fit inside without strapping her to the top with some rope. 

Danny doesn’t know how she keeps a minivan of all things in such spotless condition, but they don’t ask. They open the trunk and usher in Meg before sidling into the passenger seat. 

Weekly lunches with mom were the new norm, now. She had to drive them to and from the PT place, and the meal was payment.

An hour with just her and Danny and Beathag, no holds barred. She could say and do whatever she wanted, and if Danny tried to complain, she could always pull the “I drive you back and forth from therapy every week and  _ this _ is the thanks I get?” card. It puts Danny back in their place without a fight.

Tonight she brings them to a new place. The menu looks nice enough, but there aren’t any free oversize spots, so Meg has to squeeze underneath the table with the other daemons so she isn’t a tripping hazard to the waiters walking by. Danny can feel her irritation and cramps the entire time, and they touch their foot to her side in sympathy. 

Mom decides to use tonight to go on one of her good old guilt trips. Not to give feed into stereotypes, but she’s got the Jewish motherly guilt thing down pat. “When are you going to get a job again, Danny?” she whines. Under the table, her lemur daemon cuddles up to Magdirtzah unnecessarily close. 

“When my therapist clears me,  _ ima _ ,” Danny mumbles, pretending to scan the menu for what they want. It’s just a pretense to have something to do because they only have a scant handful of items that could even be close to kosher.

“And when is that?”

Danny shrugs. “Soon, I hope. A few weeks?”

Their mom sniffs. “Kids these days. You’re always taking so long. You have one good arm, there’s no reason you can’t still work. Tali would let you work! You can still punch a cash register, can’t you?”

Danny hasn’t told their mom that they’re never setting foot in that establishment ever again. Not when  _ he’s _ still working there despite assaulting one of his coworkers so badly that they ended up in the hospital. Instead they mumble something that could have been a yes and could have been a no.

Beathag catches Danny’s eye and smiles. At least she’s on their side. She knows when they need an out. “Hey Danny, guess what I did at school today!”

“What?” says Danny, resting their elbows on the table and leaning in to listen better.

“Get your elbows off the table, that’s nasty,” scolds their mother, swatting at them. “How’s your classes coming? Are you getting good grades?”

They pull their hands away and frown. They can feel Meg twitch an ear under the table. “I guess. Some of my teachers have been absolute jerks about letting me use my laptop in class, so taking notes has been hard--”

“So write them down! For god’s sake, Danny, you can’t possibly expect me to bottle feed you all of the answers to the problems in your life.”

“I can’t write with my right hand all that well. And I’m not a lefty.”

“That’s not my problem,” sniffs their mother.  

Underneath the table, Meg twitches her ear again. Danny presses their foot against her body, to remind her to stay calm. “Okay,  _ ima _ .”

She doesn’t give Danny breathing space to talk much after that. She doesn’t talk the entire time, sure, but any time Danny has anything to say it’s usually torn down, usually accompanied by a dramatic sigh about how she can’t keep babying them like this forever. Beathag tries to calm her down, but like usual it doesn’t do anything. She just carries on like nobody else is speaking.

Danny holds their breath until they get to hug Beathag goodbye, and their mom drives away. Danny and Meg wave from outside of their dorm hall. Once she’s out of sight, Danny slumps, leaning against Meg for support, rubbing their face. “Oy. We made it.” They push themselves off of their daemon and shuffle towards the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

Danny shuffles into their room, not even bothering to say hi to Alyss who they can hear jamming out to music behind his door. They flop onto their bed face first, then roll over and look at the ceiling. “I hate her.”

“She’s right, you know,” says Meg in a low voice. 

“ _ Slicha _ ?” says Danny, switching to Hebrew like the normally do when they’re in the room alone. They sit up and look at their daemon, standing in the middle of the room and watching them with a pitying look. 

Danny’s cat crawls out from under their bed to sniff at Meg, and she watches it with disinterest for a moment before pushing it away. “Think about it, Danny. You  _ could _ be writing your notes with your right hand by now, if you really wanted to. You could have been doing more stretches, and you would be stronger. Or you could have spent the entire summer learning how to write with your left hand, and it wouldn’t matter. Or,” she frowns, and tilts her head as if thinking. “You could have fought back, when your professors didn’t want you to use a laptop in class. If you had put up a fight, they would have allowed it.”

“I dunno, Meg.” Danny runs their hand through their hair. “You know how mom is. She just says things.”

“Oh, she says things alright,” Meg sniffs. “And you hate the things she says. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong.”

“What are you getting at?” says Danny.

“When your mother told you to eat vegetables when you were a kid, did you want to?”

“No, but--”

“But was she wrong?”

Danny frowns. “Meg, cut it out.”

Meg steps closer to Danny. “Was she, Neshama?”

“No.”

“She only wanted what was best for you. Right, Neshama?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s what’s going on now. We only want what’s best for you, Danny.” Meg turns away and frisks over to her bed, lying down in it and smirking at Danny out of one eye. “Maybe you should start to think about what’s good for you, not what’s easy.”

Danny looks at their hands. “Fighting back.”

Meg purrs. Danny didn’t even know deer could do that until the sound comes bubbling out of her mouth. “Good boy.”

 

**SUNDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2013  
** “And anyways, long story short, I think I’m a part of a cult now.” Theo shakes his head in wonder and pats Fred’s side affectionately. “But you’ll protect me when the mafia come, right buddy?”

Fred nickers and lips at Theo’s hair. “‘Course I will.”

Theo laughs and hugs Fred’s face. “Thanks, buddy. I knew I could count on you.” 

Danny smiles, and at their side Meg shakes her head and holds back a chuckle of her own. “That’s bad, Theo.” They look at their watch. “Aw, shit, I should go. I have to do homework.”

Theo frowns. “Come on, Dan, you spent all afternoon doing work. We barely get to see each other anymore! How are we going to catch up if you keep running off every five seconds to do more work?”

“Yeah,” Danny chews on their lip, then looks at Meg. “No, I have a big test tomorrow. I can’t stay. You go on without me.” They pick themselves out of the cafe chair and dust themselves off. “You ready, Meg?”

“As I’ll ever be.” She stands up and gives herself a shake. 

Danny smiles at Theo apologetically. “I’ll see you around?”

Theo frowns and looks down at his cup of coffee. “Whatever, man. See you around.” At his side, Fred whisks his tail and turns his head away. 

Danny tries not to take it too personally. They make their way out of the cafe, back to their room. They close the door and lean against it, slumping down and looking at Meg. 

Meg looks down at them with a silent sneer plastered across her space. She looks at him without saying anything for a moment, then turns around and flicks her tail in their direction. “Do your work, Neshama.”

“Meg, I…” Danny hesitates. When Meg whips around to stare at them again they wince. “I don’t know, Meg. What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel so…” They pinch the bridge of their nose.

“I’m trying to help you, Neshama. Just listen to me and you’ll get better soon, I promise.” Meg soothes. She steps back towards Danny, pressing her head against their hand in a manner not unlike what Jesserant did to Alyss outside. 

Danny scratches her under the chin and focuses on the posters of their role models plastered all over their room. “You promise?”

Meg leans into it for a moment, her eyes closed in bliss. Then just as quickly, she pulls back and fixes Danny with another ironclad stare. “I promise. That was a nice little dinner break, but get back to studying. You’re not good for anything if you don’t ace this test.”

“Yeah. I know.” Danny takes their seat at their desk and opens up their notebook. They don’t get to sleep until the sky starts to lighten again. 

 

**TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2014  
** Danny doesn’t even realize someone is knocking at their door until Alice has already let himself in and slams his hands down on their desk, shocking them out of their hyperfocus tunnel vision.

“Danny,” Alice says. “Glad you could finally join us.” Behind them, Jesserant noses Meg hard enough to make her stagger to the side, shaking her growing-out mane and snorting in greeting. Meg glares and touches noses with her, her ear twitching. 

Danny jumps and shrinks into their chair. They sneak a look at their watch and jump again at the time. “Oh… I guess I got a little carried away. I missed lunch. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to your body.” Alice points at Danny’s stomach. “You didn’t just miss lunch. You also missed breakfast, and dinner last night, and lunch before that.”

“You’re not in charge of my schedule!” snaps Danny. “When I eat is none of your business.”

“It is when our CA asks me to speak with you on her behalf,” says Alice, folding his arms and leaning back against anny’s desk. “If I wasn’t doing this, she would, and you know she’d get the dean involved and it wouldn’t look pretty.”

“Oh, and you breaking into my room is better?”

“Yep! Because I’m your friend, so I can just do this.” Alice snaps, and Jesserant grabs a hold of Meg’s neck scruff in her teeth and yanks. 

Meg yelps and digs her feet in, resisting, but Jesserant pulls again, and in a flash they’re both out the door in the hall. 

Danny glares at Alice. “What the hell? What the-- ow!” They stand up and chase Alyss out of their room down the hall, after their daemon. They rub their chest, wincing at the pull of having gotten just out of range. 

Meg continues to dig her heels in at every step, but Jesserant’s bigger and stronger and she can’t stand a chance. 

“I’m taking you out for lunch, Danny,” says Alice, taking Danny’s hand and leading them forward.

Danny follows, figuring there’s no point in fighting back now. Not when Meg’s putting up more than enough fight for the both of them. “You don’t have to do this, ‘Liss.”

“I do, actually. “

“Why, because the CA told you to?”

“No! Because you’re my friend.”

Oh. That’s actually… touching. Danny swallows thickly, unsure of what to say and saying nothing. 

Alice leads them to a small pizza shop down the block. The place is bustling with students all trying to get their dinner all at once. Danny hesitates at the door, but then someone opens it and the smell of fresh baked pizza rolls over them. Their stomach rumbles. Danny does some quick calculations in their head and decides that they want food more than they’re scared of being in a crowded space or of facing Meg’s smoldering glare. 

They open up the door, and Alice and Jesserant trail in, the latter still dragging Meg by the scruff. Danny nods at Jesserant. “You can put her down now. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jesserant spits her out, and Meg staggers, regaining her balance and shaking her entire body. There’s a wet spot on her neck from where Jesserant was grabbing onto her. It’s a bit odd, but it’s not unusual for friends’ daemons to roughhouse with each other. Danny doesn’t think anything of it. 

Not until Meg shoots out the door, skirting behind the people leaving. She quickly reaches the end of their range and  _ she keeps going _ . Danny yelps and staggers forward. Alice grabs them and they dig their heels in, gritting their teeth and resisting. 

Fuck, it hurts. In some ways it hurts more than if someone had grabbed her because they know that this situation could have easily been avoided if their daemon wasn’t so hot-headed and stubborn. Alyss’s hands on their shoulders keep them grounded and reminds them not to scream because they’re in a public establishment and making a scene would be the last thing they need right now. 

The sharp tug on their heartstrings fades. After a few moments, Meg slinks back in. 

Danny cuffs her on the side of the head, ignoring how it makes their own vision spin. “Cut it out. We’re already here, we might as well eat.” Their hands shake, and they shove them into their pockets so Alice can’t see. 

Meg grumbles under her breath. 

Alice tries to speak, but Danny ignores it by studying the menu. They can read it fine, but most people see a foreigner and assume that they need extra time to figure out what everything means. Right now, Danny’s fine with that. They let Alice order first, and after they make their own order (small cheese pizza with just about every veggie option available, sans mushrooms), they sit down at a table that’s been purposely sectioned off from the others so that those with oversize daemons will have space. Isolating, but practical.

Their pizzas come, and Danny makes a point of not looking at Meg the entire time they eat. Alice watches with concern plastered all over their face. “Hey, Danny.”

Danny grunts and looks up at them. “Yeah?”

“Are you two gonna be okay? That was pretty rough.”

“We’ll be fine. Someone’s just having a bit of a temper tantrum today. She’ll get over it.”

Alice fiddles with their napkin, like he wants to say something else, but whatever it is they shrug it off. “So you’re fine?”

“I just said that, yeah.”

“Okay. Hey, Danny?”

“Yeah?”

“You’d let me know if you needed any help, right? You know I’m there for you.”

Danny looks up sharpy, surprised by the question. “Of course, ‘Liss. You’re my best friend. You’d be the first one I’d call.” 

The two of them fall into their old, familiar rhythm, talking about this and that. Danny complains about their mom, Alice complains about his homework. He gets Danny up to date on his love life and Danny regals Alice with tales of Levant and what life is like outside of New Denmark. It’s normal stuff, comfortable stuff. It feels right. For a moment, Danny can forget that their deer is shooting daggers at them as subtly as she can without actually looking at them.

But then Alice has to turn in early for an 8:00 class the next morning, and before they know it Danny’s back in their room, alone. 

Well, except for Magdirtzah.

Danny collapses into their chair. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“I know. But you thought it.”

Meg sniffs. “You’re acting like I’m putting a damper on your fun.”

“You  _ are _ .”

“I’m not. You know that you need to put more priority on your work. I’m just here to encourage you to grow in the right direction.”

Danny groans and rubs their face with their hand. “My work is already my number one priority. I spend more time studying than any kid in the school.”

“If it was really your number one priority, you wouldn’t have gone out to dinner with Alice.”

“I needed to eat.”

“Alice is a needless distraction.”

Danny massages their temple. “Shut  _ up _ .” 

Meg steps closer to Danny, watching with intent, piercing blue eyes. “It’s funny, really.”

Danny hates themselves but they take the bait. “What is?”

“How they hang out with you, despite… well, you know.”

Danny puts their hands on the arms of their chair and props themselves upright. “Know what, Meg.”

Meg giggles, an almost childlike sound. “Why, that Alice hates you, of course!” She tilts her head and blinks her eyes innocently. “You really didn’t know?” 

Danny scowls. “He doesn’t hate me.”

“Oh, really?” Meg nods to herself. “Then why didn’t he check on you until after our CA asked him to? You’ve been holing yourself up in your room for weeks and he only does something about it now?”

Danny shoves Meg away, but their heart isn’t in it and she barely even rocks backwards. “Think about it, Neshama. Making excuses with those early classes. I can hear him now. He’s listening to music. He’s not getting ready for bed at all.”

“Maybe he’s studying.”

“To Queen? I don’t think so. I think he’s having a singalong session. One you weren’t invited to.” Meg fixes them with a poignant stare.

“You’re lying,” growls Danny, but there’s no bite to it. 

“He didn’t even visit you in the hospital.”

“He did!”

“Oh, sure, what, once or twice? And how long were you in there for. A week? Two? He could have tried harder.”

Danny grips the armrests so hard their knuckles go white. “He had school, Meg.”

“Oh, so it’s okay that he doesn’t try that hard, then?”

“That’s not what I’m saying--”

“I see where you get it from, then.” Meg sniffs. “You just gave up, today, didn’t you.”

Danny slows. “What?”

“When Alice dragged us out. You just accepted it.  _ I _ was the only one fighting for our values.”

“It was a pointless fight, Meg.”

“No fight is pointless when you’re fighting for what you believe in.  _ Tzadik B'Emunoso Yichyeh _ . Remember?”

Danny rolls their eyes, but they’re still holding onto that armrest with a deathgrip. “Yeah, right.” 

“You have weak morals, Neshama. You’ll never graduate with that attitude.”

“Shut up.”

“Why? Because you know I’m right?”

“Because I told you to shut up!”

“Admit it, Neshama. You’re not strong enough. But that’s okay. Because I’m here, and I’ll help fix you into the best version of yourself.” Meg grins.

Shivers run down Danny’s spine, and the hairs at the back of their neck stand on end. They shudder and turn away from Meg’s waxing smile. “I have to get out of here. Let’s go for a walk,” they mutter. They stand up and open up the door to their room, but a few steps out of the door they feel that all-too-familiar tug on their heart when their connection is strained.

Meg’s standing at the foot of their bed, feet planted, resolute. “You can go for a walk, Neshama. But I’m not going to.”

Danny grinds their teeth. “Fuck you, Meg.”

“Walks, to clear your head? Don’t be silly. That’s extraneous. You know what you do need to do? Your work.”

Danny grits their teeth and takes another step back, farther away from their room. Meg digs in her hooves. They wait for a moment, waiting to see if she’ll cave, but then they sigh and come back into the room and close the door behind them. They take a seat at their desk and pull out their work. 

“See? You’re weak, Neshama. You don’t know how to stand up for what you believe in. But I do. I’m strong. You’re just a weak little deer. But me? I’m strong.” Meg steps up to Danny, and Danny refuses to look, refuses to acknowledge the sharp fangs and glinting eyes that weren’t there before. 

Meg laughs quietly. “I’ll mold you into something strong, like me. Okay?”

Danny sighs. “Okay.”

She presses her nose into their hand. “Good boy. Now get to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vocab notes:   
> Shtook: Shut up  
> Ima: Mom  
> Slicha?: Excuse me?


	4. Year 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please be advised that this chapter contains violence with a healthy side of destructive thoughts, self harm, and general bad mental health. Proceed with caution.

**MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2014  
** Danny hasn’t left their room in days. Not except for classes or meals. They haven’t seen Alice in almost as long. Whenever they pass in the hall they nod hello, and thinking about stopping. They never stop.

They’re just working, working, working. They got cleared for a credit overload and took extra classes. Not stuff related to their main major. They already have most of their requirements done for ordinator engineering. After talking to their advisor at the end of their sophomore year they decided to apply to double major. So now they’re starting on their requirements for economics.

It wasn’t interesting stuff. Lots of lectures and note taking. Danny’s handwriting is still a mess but they don’t trust themselves to use their laptop without getting distracted in class. Especially since oversize daemons usually sit at the back, so they don’t even have the pressure of knowing that someone is watching over their shoulder.

Danny taps their pen against their textbook, chewing on their lip. They’re trying to focus on the words but they keep dissolving into mush. The tapping of the pen, the jittering of their leg, it’s a comforting habit.

“Stop fidgeting,” says Meg. She sniffs and presses her nose against Danny’s textbook, refocusing them. “You know what you should be doing and it’s not staring off into space.”

“Sorry,” mumbles Danny. They look at Meg out of the corner of their eye.

She makes steady eye contact with them. Her ragged fur pulls into clumps. Danny hasn’t brushed her out or even bathed her properly in far too long. Her eyes look dull and haggard. But her entire body vibrates with a fighting spirit that makes her spirit blaze with the force of a thousand suns. When she sees that Danny isn’t going back to their work, she sighs and stamps her hoof. “Neshama.”

Danny starts. “Sorry, sorry.” They turn back to their work. Yup, still squiggles. Indecipherable. “Hey, Meg?”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to ask!”

“You can’t switch to a music major.”

“That’s not what I want,” Danny whines. “I just think that having a music minor on top of everything else would really help. You know we love music. You know we hate this material. It’ll be the one thing I get to enjoy out of all of this crap. I know it’s useful and I don’t want to stop learning it. But I want to be able to do something I can enjoy, too.”

“Hmm.” Meg tilts her head, and seems to consider what they said for a moment. “Nope. Too distracting. You have to pour your body and soul into this.” They look at Danny with a scowl. “Body. And. Soul. That’s both of us. And you know who’s in on this right now? Just the soul.”

“I know, I know.” Danny frowns and spins around in their chair. “I just really hate this stuff.”

“You also hate dealing with situations that make you anxious,” says Meg. “That doesn’t mean that you should avoid talking to strangers or trying new things.”

Danny slumps into their chair. “Not like I get much chance to talk to people either way, these days.”

“Because you have to _focus_ ,” chides meg. “Come on, you know this. _Work_. You can make friends when you graduate, get a real job, and make six figures.”

Danny hesitates.

Meg growls. “Now, Neshama.”

“Okay, okay.” Danny picks up their pen and puts it to their notebook paper, scribbling down notes.

Meg purrs. “Good boy.”

 

 **THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2015  
**People came to see if Danny was okay. Of course they did. It wasn’t normal, a person their age spending all of their time locked up in their room. People thought they should have friends, or clubs, or at least go to a party every once in a while.

Alice comes by the most, of course. He’s right there so it’s easy for him to pop by. Sometimes he tries to drag Danny out for conversation but after the one time getting pizza Danny puts up a big fuss until he drops it. Meg tells them they’re doing the right thing when they do that.

The CA comes by once.

Her name’s Thalia. She’s friendly enough. She’s warm and welcoming and her small dragon daemon always smiles and nips at Meg in a friendly manner when they pass in the hall. Today they’re both serious as stone. Thalia leans against Danny’s closed door, barring any exit. Her daemon treads around Meg’s feet, tripping her up and keeping her from getting too far.

“I’m just worried about you,” says Thalia. “You haven’t been leaving your room much, you clearly aren’t keeping after yourself. Are you okay?”

Danny looks at Meg. She nods. “I’m fine,” they say.

“Do you need help?” Presses Thalia. “We have on-campus counseling sessions. They’re free. I’ll come with you, if you want.”

Danny doesn’t need to look at Meg to know that that’s no good. “No! No, no, I’m fine. You don’t need to do that.”

Thalia purses her lips. “I do want you to go, Danny. Alright? Promise me you’ll go.”

“Sure.”

Thalia smiles, but it’s not a smile that says she’s happy to see them. It’s a smile that says she’s glad this conversation is over with and she can leave. She hands Danny a scrap of paper with an email scribbled on it. “Contact them. I’ll be in touch to make sure you do it.”

“Uh huh.” Danny smiles, too. It’s a smile that says they’re glad to be left alone so they aren’t bothered by people who hate them, so they can get back to work.

 

 **WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2015  
**Theo texts them. Theo texts them a lot. [Hey you haven’t talked to me in FOREVER. Where are you?]

[Are you okay? Did something happen?]

[Are you mad at me?]

[If you’re mad at me just say so goddammit]

[Fine don’t respond. That’s so mature of you, Danny. Text me back when you’re ready to be a responsible human being.]

[Bye]

Danny watches the latest text roll in with a sinking feeling in their stomach. Meg reads it from over their shoulder. She _tsks_ her tongue. “I told you, Danny. He hates you.”

“I really thought…”

“Me, too. Sorry, Danny.” Meg nuzzles their hand. “Now get back to work.”

 

 **TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2015  
**Thalia stops by a few weeks later. “Did you see the counselor?”

They hadn’t. Meg insisted counseling was hogwash and a waste of time. She had said that they needed to focus, not talk about pansy things like feelings and emotions. “Yeah. It was good. Thanks for talking to me, Thalia. It helped a lot.”

Thalia grins, and her shoulders lift like a huge weight’s been lifted off of her. “I’m glad to hear that, Danny!”

She makes small talk for a few minutes and then makes an excuse about doing laundry and leaves.

Danny looks at Meg. “Did she care at all?”

“No.”

Danny frowns. “Didn’t think so.”

 

 **FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 2015  
**Danny’s professor pulls them aside after class one day. “Danny, come here a moment. Can I talk to you?”

“Uh. Sure.” Danny trails over, Meg glued to their side. Her ears are on high alert, like they always are when they go out in public, scanning for potential dangers like people coming too close or teachers who try to rub their nose into other people’s business.

It’s one of their ordinator engineering professors, for one of the last classes they need to complete their major. Professor Sabah is an older teacher who’s gotten lax from a few too many years in tenure. Some students give her flack for being Muslim, and Danny knows that more than once she’s had to deal with students pulling off her headscarf as a prank. They’re similar, in that respect. Both religious outcasts in a Christian-dominated landscape.

She often goes off on tangents that are barely (at best) related to the class material, but she’s passionate about what she teaches, and she’s always ready to make up office hours or grab a cup of coffee with her favorite students. Her daemon is a cotton tailed rabbit, her graying fur hidden underneath her natural coat color. She sniffs at Magdirtzah as they approach and stands up on hind legs to nod at her. Meg nods back, and they almost but not quite brush noses, the appropriate gesture of respect between teacher and student daemons.

Professor Sabah leans against her desk and waits for the others students to file out. They cast looks at Danny as they go. Some of them snicker. Most of them know that Danny is one of her favorite students and roll their eyes, assuming they’re about to get some sort of teacher’s pet award.

At last the door closes and they’re alone. The lecture hall reverberates with the sound of the door closing, and then echoes with the emptiness that follows.

Professor Sabah sighs and nods at Danny. “How are you, Danny?”

Danny shifts their weight from foot to foot. “I’m fine.”

“Schoolwork has been too hard for you? Are you struggling? How’s econ treating you?”

Danny readjusts their backpack strap and fidgets. “I’m doing okay. Econ’s fine. Not as exciting with classes with you, but fine.” Meg bumps them with her hip, a casual reminder. “Uh, is everything alright? I’m not failing, am I?”

Professor Sabah snorts. “No, you’re fine. I’m just worried. No, not worried. I’m concerned. You haven’t been as animated lately. Less involved in class. I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk, I’m here for you, okay? I’ll be confidential, if you want me to. Anything you say stays here.”

Danny frowns. “No. I’m fine. Thanks, Professor Sabah.”

Professor Sabah purses her lips, but she doesn’t press the issue. Her rabbit daemon shakes her head and snorts, thumping the ground with one leg. She’s upset, Danny knows her well enough to read her body language.

They’re surprised to find that they don’t really care. “I need to go, Professor. I’ve got a lot of work. Econ isn’t treating me as nicely as you do.”

“Alright. You know that my door is always open for you.”

“Of course.” Danny makes their goodbyes, and they and Meg make their way out of class and back towards their room. It’s brisk outside, but when Danny shivers it’s not just because of the cold. They look at Meg and chew their lip, thinking. “She doesn’t like us.”

“You betrayed her by taking on another major in another department. She can’t trust you anymore.”

Danny nods. “I did like her…”

“She hates you, Neshama. She only tolerated us, never enjoyed us. She’s only asking out of obligation.”

“I know, I know.” Danny sighs and shoves their hands in their pockets.

 

 **TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2015  
**Danny has a cold.

That’s nothing new. They were never one for a robust immune system, and they have allergies and colds abound. Especially when they’re holed up 24/7 in a building filled with dozens of other people with just as poor sanitary habits as they do.

So they’re struggling through the leadup to spring break, but it’s fine. They’ve done this twice before, they’ll do it again.

Except this time, Danny feels woozier than normal. Hot. Clammy. It’s hard to focus and their eyes won’t stop hurting, even when they look away from their computer screen. “Hey, Meg?”

She grunts and lifts her head up from where she was resting on her oversized dog bed of a bed.

Danny motions. “Come here, will ya? I want to check something.”

She clamers to her feet and troddles over. Danny holds her face in their hand and gives her a thorough looking over. Yep. Dry nose, dull eyes, shaky legs. “We’re sick.”

Meg sneezes. “No duh.”

“No, I mean sick, sick. Fever.”

Meg sniffs and Danny picks up a tissue and wipes it against her nose, thinking. “I think we need to go see a doctor.”

“And do what?”

Danny frowns. “See a doctor? Get medicine?”

“No way.” Meg pulls back, shaking her head. “It’s just wasting time sitting in a waiting room, to talk to a man who’s going to overmedicate us with drugs we don’t need. We don’t need that. _You_ don’t have time for that.”

“We’re sick, Meg. This could be really serious. Fevers kill people, you know.”

“That was back in the old days.”

Danny gives Meg a withering look. “Yeah, because now we use medicine to cure ourselves. Come on, up and out you go.” They stand up and push Meg towards the door.

She digs her hooves into the ground, resisting. “No.”

Danny groans and shoves her. “What. What? Tell me. What’s wrong? No one’s going to hate us for getting medicine when we have a fucking fever. This doesn’t reflect poorly on me. Don’t think I’ve be doing this if I thought I could weather through it. Let’s. Go.”

“It’s pointless sitting in a waiting room. We could be doing work,” Meg whines.

“Then I’ll bring my books. Problem solved. Come on.” Danny shoves her again, and this time she bares her teeth and turns to snap at Danny. She doesn’t lunge forward with enough force to hit him, but her teeth clack shut with a resounding snap inches away from Danny’s arm. She looks up at them with blazing eyes. Her legs are shaking. “No, Neshama.”

Danny growls. “What’s wrong, Meg? What is it this time? I do everything you want. I stay in my room all day, I do my work instead of things I find interesting, I major in the things you say I should instead of the things I want. What is it now? What is it about not getting help for my _fucking_ fever that you’re so morally opposed to now?”

Meg is uncharacteristically quiet at their outburst. She pins her ears back against her head and looks down. She’s still shaking. She looks, well, how deer are supposed to look, really. Meek and passive. Timid.

“They’re going to overmedicate us, Neshama,” she says, quietly. “They’re going to stick needles and pills down our throats until we’re dead inside. They’ll take one look at you and they’ll see how broken you are and lock us up and we’ll never see the light of day again!” Her voice rises in pitch as she speaks, and she ends the last sentence with a seething grumble and stamps her feet on the ground for emphasis.

Danny sighs. They look at Meg, shaking in rage. They look at their desk, which they’ve barely left in… years, really. They look at their bed, hardly slept in from a mixture of workaholism and insomnia. “Lock us up, yeah?”

“Yes, Neshama.” says Meg with quiet conviction. “Don’t go. Stay here. Work. It’s safe here.”

Danny fidgets and plays with their fingers. “Maybe I want to be locked up.”

Meg freezes. “What?”

“You heard me.” Danny takes a step towards Meg and for once doesn’t feel like they’re diminished in size next to her. “I’m terrified of what they’ll see in me. I’m terrified of what they’ll all see in me! My friends, my peers, my professors… all my life I’ve been paralyzed in fear. Me, sitting here, working? That’s me, avoiding everything that terrifies me so _fucking much_ . Maybe I’m done being bullied around by my own inner demons. My own inner _daemon_.”

Magdirtzah wilts, then draws herself up and bares her fangs. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“You wanted me to fight? Well, this is me, fighting. What we’ve been doing isn’t fighting, Meg. It’s cowering.”

“Neshama.”

“Stop. Calling. Me. That.” Danny draws their hands into fists. “I have a name, you know.”

They don’t give Meg a chance to respond. They launch themselves at her with all of their weight, throwing her across the room.

Meg staggers backwards but lands on her hooves. Danny was never very strong, even when they weren’t suffering from a fever and weak with sickness. They heave for breath just from that, but they stand their ground and don’t flinch as Meg charges and headbutts them directly in the gut. They grunt as all the air is kicked out of their lungs and fall backwards, landing hard enough to knock out the rest of whatever air was left in them.

Meg stands over them disapprovingly. “Don’t do this, Neshama. You’re better than this.”

“You mean, you want me to go back to being your little pet,” hisses Danny, pushing Meg off and standing up again.

“That’s not true.” Meg bares her teeth again and side steps when Danny tries to swing at her. She shakes her head.

Danny whirls around to face her again. “Then what is it?”

“We don’t deserve help,” Meg says. She sidesteps Danny again, and this time she headbutts them again, knocking them off balance.

They collapse to the floor, winded, unable to speak. The room spins and whirls around them. Meg, too, seems to be having trouble staying upright; her shaking has only gotten worse. They can both feel the wounds they inflicted on each other, throbbing with a dull ache. Danny puts their hand to their forehead and realizes with a start that they’re sweating buckets.

Meg comes to stand right over Danny. “We don’t deserve help, Neshama. We’re too broken. It wouldn’t do anything. We’re done for.”

Danny tries to get up one last time. “I don’t believe you.” They push her again, more of a protest than to actually hurt her.

Still, Meg staggers back, swaying as she struggles to keep her balance. Danny struggles to their feet, fighting the same battle she is. The fever’s getting to them, and the fighting isn’t helping. They’re going to pass out soon  if they don’t do something.

The phone on their desk.

Danny and Meg both have the same thought at the same time.

Danny lunges for the phone at the same time Meg lunges for them. She snaps her teeth. This time, she doesn’t hold back. She sinks them deep into Danny’s arm, right where the flesh is tender, and she _twists_.

Danny yelps, then braces for the inevitable _snap_ and eruption of pain. It doesn’t come. Meg tightens her grip on his arm, bloody and messy, but not broken.

Bloody and… oh, God. There’s so much blood.

She’s holding them back but she’s not strong enough to keep them from moving. They grab their phone and flip it open. They start to dial.

Meg spits out their arm. “Don’t do this. They’re going to lock us up.”

Danny glares at Meg. “Which is it really? Are they going to lock us up because we’re crazy, or are they going to abandon us because we’re not worth anything?”

Meg wilts.

The phone connects. “Hello?”

“Hi! Campus police? I’m really sick, I can’t walk. I need help getting to the nurse’s office… Oof. Or maybe to the hospital…?”

“Sir? Who is this? Give us your room number and we’ll be right there,” says the dispatcher.

Danny stumbles and falls to the floor. The phone bounces out of their hand and out of reach. Whoops. Hopefully they’ll figure it out.

They are close enough to Meg. They reach out and grab her fur, leaning on her for support, even after everything. Meg nuzzles their hand and closes her eyes. “Why?”

“I deserve better than rotting away in this jail cell of a room forgotten. Maybe they’ll lock me up. But at least then I know _someone_ cared about me enough to do something about me, instead of letting me rot inside this tiny room forever.”

Meg makes a keening whine.

Danny tries to make a snappy remark, but everything is getting so very heavy, and dizzy, and blurry. They hear the distant sound of approaching footsteps, and then they lose consciousness.

They feel themselves being lifted up and moved to a stretcher, and a distant, far away touch that meant that someone was similarly moving Magdirtzah -- a daemon, not a person. Everything feels muffled and far away.

They hear talking voices, and then feel the ground beneath them bump and rumble. They’re taken out, and moved again, and then picked up and placed on something softer. People poke and prod at them as they drift off.

When they come back to the surface, still woozy and distant, they still have no clue what’s going on. They open up their eyes and squint at the blinding brightness around them. They rub their eyes are try again. White bed, white walls, saline drip -- hospital.

All too familiar. They’ve been here before.

“Not again,” Danny says, or tries to say, but they’re too out of it to do anything more but think it.

Everything feels muffled, like it’s coming from far away. They can’t see without extreme concentration, and for the most part they drift in and out of a fuzzy sense of self. At some point two people walk in. One of them’s wearing a long white coat and carrying a clipboard, and her insect daemon -- some kind of butterfly? -- flutters around her head. The other person is wearing a fancy dress and clutching her lemur daemon to her chest in a panic.

Oh, great. Mom.

“Overworked himself…” the doctor was saying. Danny can only catch bits and pieces of what’s being said. “Too much stress… not eating… done this before?”

“Never,” gasps Mom. She strokes her daemon and sniffles. “Just want…. Safe and happy again.”

“Of course, Mrs. Schneider,” soothes the doctor. They walk out of the room again, and Danny can’t follow their conversation anymore.

Something to their side stirs. With an effort, they turn their head, and see on the oversize bed next to them a large deer daemon. Meg.

Their arm sears with pain at the sight of her, and all of the memories of the night come rushing back. Danny winces, and blacks out again.


	5. Year 4

**WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23, 2016  
** “And before you go, Danny, just remind me what you’re going to work on before our next meeting.”

Danny fidgets and looks down at their hands. This office always seems so sterile to them, so confining. Claustrophobic, even. Call it their deer instincts kicking in but it’s just so small and stiff. They adjust their position on their stiff leather seat and look at Magdirtzah, who stands next to them, head down, relaxed. 

No, she’s right. For all that this room feels uncomfortable, it’s not wrong. It’s safe here. Nothing that they tell Dr. White leaves this room. It’s all confidential. They look at Dr. White and grin a bit self-consciously. She’s twirling her fingers around her cornrows with one hand while writing notes on her tablet with the other. Her ferret daemon sits on the ground next to her, watching intently. 

“Meg and I are going to have a debriefing session every night before bed.” Meg flicks her ear, opening one eye to look at them, and Danny laughs lightly. “And I  _ will _ go to bed each night. And if I go to bed late, I have an alarm set for 11 PM each night to do it anyways, so I can’t avoid it by not going to sleep.”

“And?” Meg prompts, her voice soft. 

“And... I’m going to talk to one friend at least once about what I’m doing this week. And I’m going to use more ‘I feel’ statements?”

Dr. White smiles. “Yes, that sounds right to me.” Her phone vibrates, and she hits the screen. “And it looks like we are all out of time for today. Do you have any questions before you go?”

Danny stands up and gathers up their backpack, reaching out with one hand to rub Meg’s ears between their fingers. “Nah. I’m all set.”

Dr. White smiles. “Alright then, Danny. I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“Bye.” Danny and Meg nod their goodbyes, and they slide out the door into the hallway. Danny sighs and lets the remaining tension out of their body as soon as they exit the room. 

“You shouldn’t be so tense,” chides Meg, trotting along at their side. “She’s only here to help you.”

“I know, I know,” says Danny. “But sometimes I still feel nervous. Like I’m going to fuck up, and--” they break off. 

“And?” prods Meg.

Danny hunches their shoulders forward. “And you’re going to yell at me.”

Meg sighs. “Danny, we all say and do things we aren’t proud of. Sometimes, the things we say that we aren’t proud of, we say to ourselves. And that’s something we’re going to have to accept and move on.” She gives Danny a wry look. “You can cut unhealthy people out of our life, but not when it’s yourself. Understand _?”_

Danny nods, and then they laugh and fondle her ears. “Hey, I think that was actually nice! And you even said my real name that time.”

Meg nuzzles up into their touch. “I guess even an old dog can learn new tricks then, eh?”

Danny tousled her head before taking out their phone. “Guess so. Speaking of old dogs, Mom’s gonna be here in five minutes.”

She still insisted on getting together for dinner once a week, even though she had to go completely out of her way to do it now that Danny didn’t need transportation to the PT place anymore. Therapy was off campus, but well within walking distance. And now that Danny has an on-campus job working as a tutor, they could even afford public transportation if they wanted to. 

They zip their jacket up all the way and sit on the curb, their deer daemon standing over them as they wait for mom and Beathag to arrive. 

They hear a horn honk, and look up to see their mother’s old minivan pulling into the parking lot. Just as shiny as ever, if a bit battered from Beathag using it to get her driver’s license. The car pulls up, but when Danny stands up to walk around to the passenger door, they notice with surprise that their mom isn’t the one in the driver’s seat. “Beathag?”

“Surprise!” she grins, and her daemon sticks his furry chinchilla face against the window, nose twitching in excitement and eyes shining. 

Danny practically sprints around to their door, hoists Magdirtzah into the extra room at the back of the minivan designated just for her, and throws themselves into the passenger seat and their sister’s arms. 

“What happened?” They ask, after they finally pull away. 

“Mom got hung up on work. So I valiantly and bravely offered to go by myself and face my fearsome, terrifying sibling on my own.” Beathag giggled. “You would have thought I was going to single-handedly end cancer, the way she praised me for offering to do this.” 

As she talks, her chinchilla daemon jumps to the back and scurries over to Meg, who rubs her face against his entire body hard enough to knock him over. He hardly seems to care and pops right back onto his feet and repeats the stunt all over again. Through their link, Danny can feel Meg laughing silently in amusement. 

“You’d think I had her at gunpoint to come and give me dinner once a week,” says Danny.

“You would think that,” agrees Beathag. They buckle in again and she pulls out of the parking lot. “So, since it’s just us tonight, and I have Mom’s credit card, do you want to do something fun and not at all fiscally responsible?”

“What are you thinking?” asks Danny. 

Meg sticks her head in between the two seats, chinchilla daemon perched on her head. “Five star restaurant?” she asks.

“Shopping spree?” squeaks Beathag’s chinchilla daemon. 

“I was thinking junk food and a movie,” confesses Beathag. “But I know it’d probably take longer than just going out to dinner, and I know you have a lot of work. if you’d rather do something else…”

“That sounds great,” says Danny, and they mean it.

By the time they arrive at the movie theater fifteen minutes later the sky is darkening and threatening to rain. The moment they get Meg out of the car, thunder claps and the skies open up, dumping a torrential downpour on their heads. They run, laughing, into the theater, sopping wet and giddy. 

They buy tickets for the next movie to start -- some dumb children’s movie -- and more popcorn than two siblings and their daemons could ever possibly eat in one sitting. They scoot into the mostly empty theater and talk through the entire thing, and throw popcorn at the screen during the really bad bits. 

The rain still hasn’t let up by the time they get out, so they decide to make a night of it. Danny buys them the greasiest, most unhealthy dinner the theater has to offer while Beathag turns their mom’s credit card into tokens for the arcade games. They spend the next few hours pigging out on junk food and competing against each other at pinball and car racing. 

Still, it is a school night, and eventually Beathag reluctantly offers to drive Danny back to their apartment. One short drive later and they’re in front of the door. Danny and Beathag sit in silence, neither one willing to say goodbye first. 

“It was really nice having you with me today,” Beathag says at last. She bunches her fists into her skirt. 

Danny smiles. “Yeah. It’s nice to get a chance to catch up without Mom getting in the way.”

“No, it’s not that, it’s... “ Beathag sighs and starts to twist her hair around her hand. “You felt really, I don’t know, present, today. Like you weren’t constantly calculating how much farther behind you were getting every minute you were with me.”

“Oh.” Now it’s Danny’s turn to bunch their fists into their pants and look down. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be!” Beathag reaches out towards them, then second guesses herself. “I mean, I was pretty mad at you about that. I still am. But I’m glad you’re getting help now and I’m glad it’s getting better.”

“Me too,” says Danny. They look at Meg in the backseat behind them. “I’m just sorry it took a trip to the hospital to realize how badly I needed help.”

“Me too,” says Beathag. There’s a silence, and then, “I’m sorry I didn’t do anything about it earlier.”

“Beathag? What, no!” Danny’s heart breaks at that. Has she really been blaming herself for this this whole time? “None of this was your fault.”

“I could have told you to get help!”

“You know I wouldn’t have listened.”

“I could have told someone else!” 

“And I would have hated you.”

Beathag sniffs. “Yeah, but at least then you would have been safe that much sooner.”

Danny puts their hand on her shoulder. “Beathag, this isn’t your fault. It’s no one’s fault. Okay? I won’t let you blame yourself for this.”

She sniffs again. “Okay.” She hesitates, then pulls them into a hug. “I love you, Danny. I’m glad you’re here enough to be my big sibling again.”

Danny tenses at the motion at first, then hugs her back and strokes her hair. “I love you too. You’ll always be my favorite little sister.”

A cold nose presses into Danny’s neck and they shriek and jerk back. Meg pulls her head back just enough that she doesn’t risk touching Beathag, and she snorts. “I hate to break up the love powwow, but you’re not legally parked and the police could come by any second now and give you a ticket for idling.

“Oh! Right. She’s right.” Beathag looks at Danny and smiles. “So I guess I’ll see you next week, then?”

“Definitely. Try and get Mom caught up on work again, if you can.”

“Or get her sick, if you can’t!” Offers Meg. 

Danny laughs and gets out of the car. They open up the door to let Meg out, and wave goodbye to Beathag and her chinchilla daemon one last time before running inside of their building. 

They ride the elevator to their floor in silence. Alyss isn’t home when they open up the door, so Danny lets themselves into their room and drops their bag on their floor. Then they go to the bathroom and turn on the hot water. Both they and Meg are pretty gross from all of that rainwater and junk food they’ve experienced today. 

Thirty minutes later, they arrive back in Danny’s room, freshly toweled, warm, and clean. Meg hops onto Danny’s bed and watches as they change. “You know, we haven’t thought about our homework for tomorrow all day.”

“Oh, yeah.” Danny pauses, half changed into their pajamas. “Oops. I’ll get started on that now. Maybe if I push myself I can get everything done before it’s too too late--”

“Don’t worry about it, Danny,” says Meg. “The world won’t end if you skim some readings in the thirty minutes before class starts tomorrow morning. You know that you’re going to have a pop quiz tomorrow in your music theory class, and you’ll be better off going into that with a full night’s sleep and no studying than studying but not able to stay awake to take it.”

Danny looks at Meg for a few moments before grunting. “You know, I think that therapy might actually be working.”

Meg tilts her head, considering. “You know, I think you may be right.”

 

**SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2016  
** Danny fidgets in line and can’t stand still. They reach for Magdirtzah’s ear and rub it in between their fingers. This robe is stuffy and sweltering in the humid heat of the city, especially with the sun shining directly down on them like that. 

Meg is twitching too, shifting her weight back and forth from foot to foot like she wants to take off running. Danny pinches her ear to remind her to stay in place. She huffs and shakes her head out of their grasp, but then five minutes later they’re both in the same situation, with Danny holding onto her for comfort and her twitching like mad. 

It’s graduation day, and the line keeps getting shorter and shorter in front of them.

On one hand, Danny’s glad, because it’s really really hot and they can’t wait to get this over with so they can take their robe off. On the other hand, they have to  _ go on stage _ and  _ shake the president’s hand _ , and the thought of possibly making a mistake in front of thousands of people watching makes their stomach churn. 

The person behind them shushes them after a particularly noisy bout of fidgeting, and Danny gives up and shoves their hands in their pockets. They inch forward, step by step, nearing the dreaded podium. Sweat trickles down their brow. Danny looks out over the crowd and catches sight of Alice, sitting near the front. He catches their eye and waves their diploma at them eagerly. 

Stupid Alice and his A-letter last name. He got to get it over with quickly. Danny? Not so lucky. 

They take a step forward and Meg nudges them. With a start, Danny realizes that they’re next in line to be called up. Oh shit. Meg presses against them. “Don’t start. Take a deep breath. Remember what Dr. White said. Don’t panic.”

Danny sucks in a huge breath. They’re not even done counting to ten when they hear over announcer boom. 

“Daniel Schneider and Magdirtzah,  _ cum laude _ .” 

They freeze, a deer caught in the headlights, until Meg nudges them and they stumbles upwards onto the stage. They let out the breath they had been holding, grab the diploma, shake the president’s hand, and smile at the camera for the photo op. 

And in a rush they’re on the other side of the podium climbing down the stairs and taking their seat with the rest of their class. They take their seat in a row that’s been made extra room just for their daemon, and stare down at their diploma. That’s their name. Both Danny and Magdirtzah’s names, and their majors: ordinator engineering and economics with a music minor. 

Theirs. They did that. 

Danny throws their arms in a hug around Meg, and though deers can’t hug back she did lean into it as best she could. “We did it, Danny.”

They pull back and grin. For the first time today, they aren’t shaking but not with nerves. “Fuck yes, we did.”

The rest of the ceremony passes in a daze. All they know is one moment they were awarded their diploma and the next everyone’s throwing their caps up in the air. Daemons that can fly leap into the air as well, making a beautiful mishmash of caps and feathers. Meg can’t do either, but she watches with a beam and wet eyes from her spot in front of Danny.

Danny finds Alyss and wraps them in a congratulatory hug, and along the way congratulates their other classmates and friends. This school is big, but news travels around, and getting sent to the hospital twice during your college stay for sustaining injuries makes you stand out like a sore thumb. Danny never disclosed what had happened the second time to land them in the ER, but their seclusion beforehand had only served as more fuel to burn the flames of rumor higher. People still pestered them for details about what had really happened.

But today, everyone was friends and comrades in arms. 

At some point they turn around and almost smack straight into Theo. 

They backpedal, and grab onto Meg for support in one hand, clutching their diploma in the other. Theo looks at them, one hand resting on Fred’s neck like he’s surprised to see them here. Then he relaxes and grins, but it’s a forced relaxation and a forced grin. “Hey, Danno.” 

“Hi.”

Theo shoves his free hand in his pocket. “I came to see you.”

“I figured.” Danny fidgets, then looks at Magdirtzah, then fidgets again. “Listen, Theo. I’m sorry. I just-- I wasn’t in a good place. I’m getting help now. I shouldn’t have dropped you, that wasn’t fair of me. But, uh, if you’re willing to try again…?” They trail off, almost embarrassed to look at Theo again.

When they finally muster up the guts to do it, Theo watching him with a contemplative look. He nods to himself. “Yeah. I think I can forgive you this once. You got a  _ looot _ of homework help to catch up on, though. Like, an entire grad school’s worth.”

Danny raises their eyebrows. “You got into grad school?!”

“Of course!” Theo strikes a pose, then laughs. “Nah, I’m just kidding. I got a job that starts in a few weeks that’s only tangentially related to anything I studied in school. As it should be.”

“As it should be,” Danny says, then opens up their arms for a hug. “Friends?”

Theo hugs them close. “Friends. And don’t worry, we’ll put that tutoring backlog of yours to good use somehow.”

Danny laughs. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

Danny reconvenes with their family for the post-graduation picnic party. Their dad flew across the atlantic to watch, and this is the first time they’ve all been together in years. Since Danny and their mom and sister moved out, probably. 

Their dad brings them into a big hug and slaps them on the back. His gopher daemon stands up on her hind legs and rubs her face against Meg’s. “Good work, champ,” he says. 

Danny grins. “Thanks, Dad.” And they hug Beathag and, why the hell not?, their mom too, and for good measure Beathag again. Her chinchilla daemon huddles under Meg’s hooves and refuses to leave, his head nodding back and forth happily to himself. 

“I don’t understand why you had to do a music minor,” their mom gripes as they sit down with their barbeque lunches on the lawn, surrounded by the rest of Danny’s class and their families.

“‘Cause I wanted to, Mom,” says Danny. They lean against Meg as they sit down. Beathag’s chinchilla sits in between her front legs, and Bethag sits next to Meg. 

“I know you did, honey, but maybe you would have graduated  _ magna cum laude _ if you hadn’t insisted on taking those silly classes.”

Danny sighs, but Beathag jumps into before they can say anything. “The reason they-- he didn’t get magna cum laude was because he was out for two weeks in the hospital.  _ Twice _ .”

Danny sends her an appreciative glance. Dealing with Mom was a two-person job, sometimes.

“Well, still, maybe if he had--”

“Mom,” Danny says. “Cut it out.” They don’t have the energy to deal with this. Not today.

To their surprise, their mom does cut it out. She doesn’t say anything else about it for the rest of the day. 

At their side, Meg beams. Danny doesn’t have to look to know that she’s pleased with their progress today. Hell, Danny is too. They’re both proud today. 

 

Danny doesn’t go home with their family that night. Their apartment still isn’t cleaned up, and they technically still have the lease until the end of the month, so they decided they might as well use the space they’re paying for. 

Still, they only have so long. They should be packing up their stuff, putting up listings on Craigslist, looking for an apartment closer to the job they’re starting in a month -- the list goes on. There isn’t a lack of stuff to do. 

Still, on the way back to their apartment they meet up with Alyss, and then they both catch up with a bunch of their friends from class, and soon there’s a small gathering of newly graduated students (and a few who aren’t yet) in Danny’s living space. 

They serve soda and snacks and make sure everyone knows to help themselves because they have to get rid of this food before moving out anyways. They float around the edges of the group for a few minutes, Meg making sure to stay well enough away from everybody to avoid any unnecessary accidents. 

After a little bit they excuse themselves and step into their room. They close the door behind them and take a deep breath, enjoying the momentary dark and quiet. “How are you holding up?” they ask Meg.

“I’m fine. We know everyone here. They know to keep an eye out for me,” soothes Meg, taking an ambulatory survey around Danny’s room before stopping and facing them again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” they say, truthfully. For once they don’t feel an approaching anxiety attack in a room with more than five people in it. They guess idly that this is what it’s like to be stable enough to need to worry every two seconds about someone touching their daemon. They still worry about it, sure, but in an off-focus, back of their mind way. They aren’t devoting all of their attention to it. 

Danny wrings their hands and looks at the clutter around their room, and the supplies of mostly still-unpacked belongings. “There’s so much we still have to do, Meg.”

She hums her agreement. 

“Does it need to be done tonight?”

“It would probably make your life easier.”

“But…?”

“But you don’t  _ have _ to. You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to go back out there, even, if you don't want to.” Meg tilts her head, considering. “Huh. Imagine that. Danny, you can spend this entire night  _ doing nothing _ . No studying, no packing, no fulfilling arbitrary social quotums. Isn’t that a thought?”

Danny’s brow furrows. “I guess so.” They fidget again, then turn around and grab their door handle. “I”m not ready for that level of non-commitment yet.”

“No,” Meg agrees. “Me neither.”

“But after all that hard work we put into school, and graduating, and getting a job…”

“We deserve a night off,” says meg. “Let’s go party, Danny. And while we’re at it, let’s make ourselves feel pretty, hmm?”

“Oh.” Danny chews their lip. “You mean--”

“You know what I mean.”

“Uh.” Danny looks in their bedside mirror. They’d been keeping their hair loose and dealing with it getting in their eyes, and wearing pretty traditional masculine clothing. But what the hell, Meg’s right. It’s not like their friends would care either way.

Danny peels off their schlocky school sweater and puts back on their ‘ חי anxiety’ sweater and pushes their hair back with some of their favorite butterfly clips that they’ve had for forever but have always been too chicken to wear in public. They’d already coated their nails in no-bite clear nail polish, and it would take too long to rub that off and put something prettier back on, so that’ll have to do for now. 

They turn around with arms outspread so Meg can get a good look. “Ready?”

Meg tilts her head to the side. “Your kippah doesn’t match your outfit.”

Danny’s face falls. “Oh, shoot. Wait! Didn’t Beathag--”

“My thoughts exactly.”

Danny pulls open their sock drawer and roots around. With a victory yell, they pull out a soft pink kippah, the exact same color as their butterfly pins. There was a cute smiling cartoon deer in the center of it. Danny shows it off to Meg. “It looks just like you, doesn’t it?”

Meg stares back with a deadpan expression. “Just put it on, Danny.”

Danny makes the switch and puts their old kippah back in their drawer. “You ready now?”

“I think so.”

Danny nods, and they’re about to open the door when they hesitate and look at Meg. “Hey, Meg?”

“Yes, Danny?”

“Do you think that doing this will ever feel okay? You know what I mean. Like logically I know I can do this, but I still feel like nervous wreck. Looking like this, shirking my work. It’s a lot, you know?”

Meg flips her ears in the deer version of a shrug. “I don’t know, Danny. All I know is that we can keep trying, and maybe soon won’t have to try so hard, and then someday we won’t have to try a all.”

“That sounds like a lot of work,” Danny frets. 

Meg nuzzles their hand. “Let’s take it one step at a time. Tonight, we go talk to our friends and enjoy being done with college, once and for all. Can you do that?”

Danny grunts. “You know what, I think I can.” And they open the door, and step out to join their friends. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand that's it! I have a few other short stories that I might post later, and after I finish my current project (a Bones daemon AU - can you see a pattern here?) I want to write more for this universe, but centering around a different character. 
> 
> Thanks so much if you read all of the way through! Please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you thought. <3


End file.
